I am sitting on my couch, it is 10:24pm as I begin to write this blog, and my beautiful son Owen is on my feet with his iPad, having a difficult time falling asleep tonight.. so he is up with me, warm under a blanket as he drapes his legs over mine.. and I can feel is love, and I want to take the time to write a letter.
It's your mom. Your siblings are fast asleep in their own beds, and you are warming my feet under the blanket, while you should be in bed too - but I am one of the few that understands. I understand it is hard for you to fall asleep, I understand you need to be really ready - and even though when you are asleep you can sleep right through the night - and I refuse to resort to medication right now, you are still so young still my love.
Do you know how much you have changed me? Do you know that your warm, loving, supportive and caring mother before you came along wasn't like this? I thought the most important things in the world before you entered it was a great job that will give you the ability to buy a great house, have a great car, travel the world - you have changed that, my boy, you have changed me. To even think of the person I once was, actually upsets me no end now - I don't think that woman could have even begun to be there for you as you need me too - you have made me the mother and adult I am supposed to be, thank you.
You were amazing today - as we were at Zooz the entire day, I saw so much emerging social skills, playing with children, initiating play constantly, holding hands with your friends - I couldn't be prouder. I saw the love in your eyes for the animals we saw, especially the tigers, you make me think in years to come you will be vet or a zoo keeper - your love of animals is something to be admired. You teach me every day that it is a much better and fulfilling life to march to the beat of your own drum, not to conform - to live life to the fullest regardless if it is raining - you dance in the rain.
As I look down to the end of the couch, your head has now slowly lowered - your eyes are heavy, you are getting tired. I know for you, it takes you draping some part of your body on mine for you to feel comfortable to go to sleep, and to know I am here with you - always. I can't stress enough to you how inspiring you are to me, even in times when you tell me, NO.. I try and think back to 2 years ago when you couldn't even say, "mama" to me.. and now, you are using No appropriately and telling me you don't want to do something.. it is so hard not to laugh at you. I think back to the sleepless nights, the appointments and assessments, school and transitions - and how you beat all the odds and you work harder than any child I know - you deserve so much, yet you could care less - but I do.
I wish I could give you more than you have. I wish I could protect you from children who don't know better, and adults that do. I wish I could predict our future, regardless if it makes me happy - it only matters if you are happy. I wish I could raise enough money to pay for every child that has ASD to be treated now regardless if they are severe, moderate or mild - everyone deserves a chance- you show me that all the time. I see how the teachers at your school love you, my little man, they actually love you, they look at you not with pity - you don't want to be pitied and you shouldn't - Owen, they look at you with hope and dignity, because I know that in their hearts, they believe you are greater than any label put on you. I wish I could have telepathically sent you a visual picture of the crowd that was at yours and Ben's fundraiser - I wish I could explain the depths people went to because people and I, believe in you so much.
But, I don't want to cure Autism - because I wouldn't have you, right here.. right now, laying on my feet asleep - and that isn't worth living without.
I love you. Have a good sleep my love.