Owen and Ben's Journey Through Autism

Owen and Ben's Journey Through Autism

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Even my perception can be altered.

I have a perception of men being fathers in my life. I was lucky to have a mother, that when I was younger, took on both roles all on her own to be my mother and father all by herself - as long story short, my dad is a deadbeat.. I say this in all honesty, he was never around, and when once in a blue moon when he did happen to show up - he would attempt to buy my love somehow.. at this point in my life, I am about 6-8 years old, and because I am young and stupid - the sun rose and set on his ass... regardless if he was around or not.. *cough cough* not around actually, until it was convenient for him of course.

Due to the fact, that I knew I had a, "real" father out there, and I met him and knew I looked like him and I was very close to his parents (my grandparents) I never took to other men that were in my life as a father role. I had 2 major men in my life after my dad - but because my dad was in and out, I didn't want any part of them in my life taking on that role - and unfortunately, my relationship with both men would be most compared to oil and vinegar.

I struggled struggle to see that perfect vision of a dad, because I really have no clue what that would look like. I knew what I had growing up - which was not, "every ones" normal, but it is all I know - there was a man that looked just like me but wanted nothing to do with me, and I have a step-dad that just isn't the real thing to me. Can you understand a bit how this could be a little bothersome for a child turned teenager? because it was. I struggle with it still as an adult - until I saw the man I love become a father.

When I became pregnant for the first time, Ryan and I were not together very long - we were living together in St. Catharines, and low and behold - I was pregnant. Normally, a young man at 21 would want out...and I wouldn't have blamed him. We were, "newly" dating/living together - and here we go - game on, bun in the oven. I remember when I told him, he actually wasn't scared.. he was okay with it, and we had to tell our parents - who also, were not actually totally terrified and pissed at this. Ryan came to the Doctors appointments, we were making plans to move closer to his family - and unfortunately, Labour Day weekend 2006, I had a miscarriage - went into labour, and our babies heart was not beating, and stopped growing at 7 weeks. You would think almost that this was a blessing, as we were still so young and so newly in our relationship - but for us, it was the total opposite. We were both hurt - we were devastated, I went into depression... something we accepted and were so happy about was taken from us, and we didn't have a choice in the matter - that child was so very much wanted.

After my body healed, and my depression subsided from the loss - low and behold, December 2006 in Marmora at a family reunion, we became pregnant - with Owen. Since Owen was born, I fell in love not only with this little perfect human in my life - I fell in love all over again with Ryan. I saw a new side of him, I saw him love something more than life itself - I saw him love Owen so much, he wanted more children and I wanted that too - it was meant to be. 

Everyday, I get to see how much Ryan loves being a dad. I love how he wants me to bring them to his rugby when I get Saturdays off because he loves when the kids are on the sidelines watching. I love how he supports Owen and Ben so much, and doesn't want them to change for anything in the world. I love how he plays tea time with Maddie, and takes her out shopping just the 2 of them. I love how when I am at work, he is keeping them active by going to the park, visiting family, feeding ducks - drawing all over my walls. I love how he goes by himself to the Fathers Day assembly, and is glowing with pride. I love that he climbs in the cheeky monkey climbers chasing the kids, no matter how much he can't fit. I love how the sky is the limit with all the children - there are no limitation. I love that he taught me to enter Owen and Ben's world - embrace the spinning, lining things up, stimming. I love the fact he wears his Autism t-shirts proud, and most days we are matching. I love that he sticks up to total strangers anywhere and everywhere because some people just  don't know any better - or worse, they are ignorant. I love he buys fireworks and lights them in our backyard because the kids love it. I love that he expects goodnight kisses from all the kids before night time - and with every child, he has his own unique and loving way. I love that he is behind me 100%, and even though I am the one at the appointments, therapies, school trips etc.. he is the one working midnights constantly, so we are able to provide as much as we can.

I am blessed to have Ryan show me everyday what a real, committed and accepting father is - he is the definition of, "dad" and has earned it. Happy Father's Day my love.


No comments:

Post a Comment