Something I continue to struggle having. I grew up in a household where going to church happened on Holidays, unless I was at my Great Aunt Glady's house, them I would go to church every Sunday - and I loved it. I loved being able to go to Sunday school, meet friends, participate... I even remember to a T when I remembered the Lord's Prayer - epic day (it's actually pretty long for an 8 year old to remember if you think about it). .... But what happened?
I stopped having sleepovers at my Aunts, I grew up. I noticed though now looking back, God has always kept a close eye on me, bringing friends into my life that are very Christian, Jeff Kerr and his wife Katie have been in my life for over 15 years, now Jeff is a Pastor in Edmonton. When I began to work for Bethesda, I started going to church with our clients, and had several friends enter my lives that also live a Christian life, Stacey Campeau, Dani Brien and Christina Cramp, who are as well still in my life today.
My children are all baptized, in the Anglican faith your children are baptized as infants, all 3 of mine did.. 2 in Welland, and 1 in Niagara Falls. Having that done for my children was very important to me, but where does it leave me and my faith?
What I struggle with, and continue to struggle with, is anger, resentment, pity. Believe me, I know I do not have the worst situation a mother could have, I am blessed everyday to have my 3 children, I get that - but I do have a right to be angry and I struggle with really understanding why this was laid upon Ryan and I. People will say to me, "because you can handle it", great - what if I couldn't? What if we were not as fortunate as we are to have amazing support? what if?
I get equally tense trying to think of a Church family that my kids and I could belong too. My faith, Anglican, is getting pretty old - the older generation. Having a child, just even typical talking during service, is for sure frowned upon. What will happen in that environment with Owen and Ben? They wouldn't be able to sit still... I just wonder is their a church out there that is socially accepting to the Special Needs population? Where stimming in the aisles, flapping to the music and humming during preaching is accepted? We are all God's children aren't we? even if we can't sit still for an hour and a half? Maybe someone creating a Special Needs service may be an idea for someone out there?
Tonight with my client, we went to a church in Niagara on the Lake, and for the 2nd time together - we got to see New World Son preform, a Christian band. They travel around the world, but originate from Niagara. Playing with them tonight, was the Toronto Mass Choir - equally amazing. As I sat there tonight, and listened to the lead of the choir preach as they sang, I got tingles. I felt like they were talking to me, that this isn't all there is - there is more. Someone is there with me, keeping me strong, and myself and ALL my children have a purpose - we are all waiting. New World Son began to play their song called, "There is a way" click to listen and the choir began to sing in the background - and it hit me. I need this. "You think your on your own, your riding solo".
I think I am on another journey as well as this one, the very beginning of one.