Thursday, February 9, 2012
and you remember.
I think we all have a moment, person, experience, place in our life that when you hear a reminder - whether it be happy or sad, it automatically takes you back to that time, your feelings come back to as your remember them - it is like a wave of emotion just takes you over.. you have no control, but your memories and feelings are so vivid, its almost like its happening all over again.
I myself have had several of these moments, of course the latest being - a mother going through the whole process of having a child diagnosed. Ben and my experience take me right back, if only two years ago - feeling like Owens was yesterday. I remember what the Doctors said to me, how I had to fight for what I knew all well what was true as his mother. I remember last week, a week ago today if you can believe it, sitting in that office with Ben feeling like it was replay knowing we have been in this exact situation before, with my mother there both times, and a child I knew was displaying classic ASD behaviours and waiting for an answer I already knew.
I remember both times, 2010 and 2012, an overwhelming feeling of anxiety, wanting to hear the answer then acting on it, wanting to cry the most deepest tears and mourn, knowing that once again we are traveling a road less traveled, and trying to believe in the midst we are strong enough to handle this - because someone upstairs believes in our abilities.
As I was at my regular Thursday Autism Mom Group, ran through Autism Niagara/Ontario, I wasn't sure who knew about Benjamin and who didn't. I know I have some moms on my Facebook, but apparently just learned not all will see what you post if they are not, "subscribed" to you?! So tonight, I sat down with Owen on my lap, and I told the 6 other moms why I was away last Thursday, because my heart was broken for a bit, and we are on this Autism voyage again sink or swim.
As I describe the Doctors appointment, they were so enthralled with my story, because out of everyone who I tell or reads it on here - they know the best. I know when I tell them all the little details, they understand.. they understand why I wish I could have filmed Ben's severe tantrum in the waiting room, why i made a pros and cons list, took pictures and videos with me. They laughed when I told them the Pediatrician was training a new Doctor, and when he asked the new Dr about the 3 Major Signs a Doctor would look for when diagnosing Autism the new hire paused and was researching it on his phone - meanwhile my mother and I could have had our hands up waiting to answer all the questions.
I believe for the moms in my group, when I explained the heartbreak and the emotion and their tears filled their beautiful supportive eyes, they played back - 21 yrs, 18 yrs, 10 yrs, 5 yrs from when their children were diagnosed, and they can tell you exactly what happened like it was yesterday - it was their life changing moment. I felt the overwhelming love from them, when they looked at me with their caring, concerned and sympathetic eyes that yes, this isn't the end of the world, but it is a major life change. These mothers know the fight with the agencies for our children, they know the wait lists for services, the struggles to even get your child dressed in the morning.. they know it all.
I believe Ryan and I are truly blessed, so much I bought a decoration from Walmart that says right under our pictures of our children in the hallway - "We are blessed". People take in my situation and my perspective on it, and they learn, they react and see it through a mothers eyes. We are blessed to have so much support, family, friends, co-workers, groups you name it - we are blessed to be love, have love, and give love... and I will forever, have especially these 2 life changing moments forever in my heart.