Thursday, April 21, 2011
My own personal sanity.
Lately, I have felt like I am seriously going crazy. It is something so personal, yet something that I am sure every mother, especially the ones who were super blessed with a child with more needs can feel.
I am not sure how to describe this feeling, maybe a bit of self pity, some mood disorder can happen..honestly, it is nothing I have ever felt before, and nothing that I want to continue to feel anymore. I find myself being very low, but none the less always thinking about Autism..not only Owens journey, but learning more and more..educating myself so much that I think/live/breathe this disorder. It is not that I feel like I HAVE to do this, to educate myself till I am blue in the face, but it is a for sure obsession. I want to know everything there is no know, I want to be able to find the new latest techniques, I want to read about people kicking its ass, I want to suffocate myself in knowledge.
Yet, it is still very hard for me to see the real severe aspect of Autism. This is something I do for a career, and have struggled with seeing the clients who have a more severe case of Autism than Owen does. Everyone has told me so often, "Owen has more of a chance, he had Early Intervention..they are not the same". I really do not expect anyone to totally understand what this feeling is like, even I find it hard to explain to people who have no idea what we go through as a family. Working with clients with disabilities is my passion, I love every part of it. What I am finding is breaking me, is seeing a future for my son that would be a road I would not like to travel.
I found when Owen was diagnosed that going to the gym helped me overcome these feelings of depression, and it also kept me healthy as well. Since I am finding myself in a total rut, with everything, I needed to find myself a new vice. Since the weather is *hopefully* turning nice soon, I want to run. I want to be outside, with my music, and I want to run. Run away, if only for an hour to forget about everything that I can not change and I can not fix. I need my own personal sanity back, and after running today and yesterday, I realized this is my new vice. I need to run for me.