Sunday, March 27, 2011
I didn't think going back to work would be this hard..
I guess when every mother reaches the end of her Maternity Leave, and here in Canada we get a year - we all feel like we are letting our kids down by going back to work. Obviously not the truth, but I can admit, in the past - I had this feeling.
Not this time, my concern, my emotions this time around really had nothing to do about leaving the children, as I knew Ryan and I were going to make this work between the 2 of us, with minimal help from family. I was able to get some hours reduced from work, and only work afternoons, so I would be here during the day so he could sleep after his midnights, and be up with the children when I would leave for work for 3pm.
What I was not expecting to have to deal with, was having the worry and the concern of maybe travelling down another Autistic journey with our youngest, Benjamin. This has been weighing on my mind now for 2 weeks, I have not been myself - more than usual my heart is right on my sleeve, so bad even talking about I am a mess. Its funny, of course Owen weighs on my mind being at work, I compare his behaviours to the behaviours I see from our clients who have Autism... but I feel like it doesn't bother me as much as thinking of Ben being Autistic.
Let me explain - I work in a treatment unit for adults who have developmental disabilities and behaviour issues.. I am also a mother with one son diagnosed Autistic and another in the midst..umm stressful. I find with Owen, he has come such a long way in his journey, he went from being non-verbal to being verbal in 6 months, he is toilet trained, non violent, and responds to IBI therapy.
I wish I could explain the feeling of being in the midst of waiting for all of this to start again, wondering if Ben is, where on the spectrum will he be? Will he be like Owen, or will he be better?! worse?! Why do I have to go to work everyday, where some of the most severe cases are staring me right in the face?
My first shift, I did not have to do much, just read programming - which believe me, took almost the full shift to read. If anyone asked me about my situation, I was a mess.. a big mess... so am I ready to go back? probably not. Was last night easier then the first? thankfully, yes.
Can Tuesday come fast enough? no f'n way.