Thursday, October 7, 2010
Just one of those nights...
So, as I do every evening, I log onto Facebook look around, creep, log in my fitness stats for the day, and log off. Every now and then, I look to the right of the screen, and I see old pictures, pictures I have not gone through in years...tonight Owen at 7 months came up - then my heart breaks.
I thought to myself tonight, let me go through the pictures, Ben is 7 months now, maybe..just maybe.. I will be able to find something in the pictures that shows me that Owen had issues.. he was different..so I can examine Ben just a little more....but nothing. As I scroll through the pictures of Owen, all I see is an incredibly happy boy, full of life and love, making great eye contact to the camera, trying to crawl, eating bananas..dare I say it? normal...whatever we perceive normal to be.
What am I really looking for? Would it really make a difference if I could find something in Ben now? I try and tell myself daily, when I get those thoughts of Autism in everything and everybody I see, to not stress.. to ENJOY my children and not always look for something.. but my God, is it hard. It is hard when Autism takes my mind constantly, that I just can't let my mind lay low...and enjoy my children, no matter what they may do different.
As I scroll through the pictures of my beautiful Owen at 7 months, I also take into consideration that he was not regressing at this age. He was eating bananas, something he wont even try anymore..it just makes you think. As a mother to a child with a numerological disorder, I have to say its hard - its hard not to constantly compare your child to other children, to stop the worrying in any situation...and now my thoughts have moved onto Ben, and I am almost okay with the thought that Maddie has passed the worrying stage, and she might be alright..but even then, I am not ruling her out till she hits 3 years of age.
I know reading this, you may think there are so much More things to worry about, to have consuming your thoughts - you are right...but this is my life. You might worry about your child potty training on time - I worry that Owen eventually in his life with grasp the concept of toileting, you may worry about your childs tantrums - your child will most likely grow out of it - Owen may never. I would never ever tell anyone there problems are not comparable, because Lord knows, us parents do not have it easy, and every child with have a parent behind them worry, loving, supporting and defending! I guess mine just fits in a different category that Owen may have different steps to take to get to where typical children reach much easier...
I guess we all have our own paths as parents to take, and no one can tell us what to think, what to call action too, and what to stand up for - we make those conscious choices on our own... For me, I don't think I will ever have these consuming thoughts vanish - I feel like they are my burden to bare.. thank Heavens I have support.
Only time will tell.