Monday, August 23, 2010
The Good, The Bad, and The F'Ugly
Yes, I said F'Ugly. Believe me, I love to go on this blog, brag how amazing he is doing, the leaps and bounds he has conquered, but not all of it is pretty - it's actually ugly, nope - F'UGLY.
For the most part, Owen is a great kid. He is happy, loving, funny, he is amazing. Like all kids, he also has his tantrums - which is hard for us. It is hard for Ryan and I to distinguish his tantrums from suffering from Autism or is he just lashing out like a regular 3 yr old?
Owen has stopped or "toned" down many of his behaviours, including his oral sensory (chewing) and has really toned down his lining up of his toys, he now usually only does it when multiple items are on a surface near him. In place of those behaviours, Owen has begun to hit himself, hit us, hit his brother and sister, throw things, and scream uncontrollably. I can not express how hard, sad, and horrible this is to watch from your beautiful son, and I just hope he will grow out of this or we can teach him appropriate ways to deal with his anger.
I guess it is so scary for me anyway, because some of the behaviours he is displaying is what I deal with at work..it actually scares the hell out of me. Some people may look at this like, o, thats what normal 3 yr olds do - and I just pair it with Autism. They may be right, but I feel like I can't take that chance - I have to fix it.
I have also been dealing with peoples ignorance of Owen - and I have to say, that is a close second next to Owen hurting himself that is so hurtful and devastating. I know Autism is still complex for some people to understand, it is a very complex disorder, and such a spectrum..but to not want to be near him, or my other children for that matter? To get stared at because when people in a grocery store try and carry on a conversation with Owen, he hasn't developed his communication enough for his age.ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh this is so heartbreaking for a mother and so frustrating for Owen - life sometimes is not fair.
I try and be the strong mother, I raise my babies basically alone, so Ryan can work 2 jobs to get bills paid and Owen in therapy. I go to the gym, I take Owen to programming, I will be returning to work full-time, I just try and do it all - but it is hard. It is hard to keep a smile on, when sometimes, I just want to scream and cry...I deserve to have a self pity day, especially when Owen is not redirect able and he hurts himself - as a mother, I would never wish that on anyone.
So yes, sometimes, Autism is not pretty. It is sad, hurtful, frustrating, annoying, devastating, and makes you angry..it is the F'Ugly side of Autism...then I remember how amazing he is and how this kid is working his ass off almost daily to not have Autism be his life sentence. So we all have bad days right, well I guess so does Owen.
Love you buddy..keep on truckin.