I am doing 2 blogs today - mainly because I am still having issues from yesterday. I try so hard to make sure everything is fine.. that what is effecting our family is being handled, and it does not change anything within the family.. but it does.I think for the most part, when I have random family members calling me about Owen, and then I go to these seminars..I keep my guard up.. now talking about Owen and Autism is like talking about the weather.. casual convo..but then, you get me at these times..maybe appearing a couple times a week.. where I give myself the oppuritunity to cry..to lash out my feelings.. my frustration.. my loss.
What I like to do during these times, are to search blogspot.com and find other parents with children with Autism.. and see their triumphs and struggles.. seeing if I can relate to any... to find a parent, maybe going through a situation a little more difficult than mine... yes, it makes me feel better. Here are some parents I found today, and my gosh.. they took the words right out of my mouth.
Enjoy an insight into our world.
Then I cried. Hard. The flow of tears felt like it would never end. For half an hour I allowed myself to scream “why me?” I allowed myself to yell at all those ignorant people who claim Autism can be cured by diet, or other things that only give us parents false hope. I allowed myself to feel the guilt and shame that comes along when my son chases the garbage man in his truck down the street screaming for him to give back his stuff, or when he has violent outbursts, or when he has a meltdown in the grocery store. I allowed myself to feel guilty about not being able to spend more quality time with my 4 typical children because Zak and Josh require me 24 / 7. I allowed myself to be me, not the supermom people think that I am.
Then I stopped. Wiped away the tears. I am a wife, a bitch and the biggest advocate for all of my children. I am a momof6 who only has time to feel sorry for herself for about half an hour, once a month or so. Times up.
"A Bit Of A Vent"
But I am tired. I am worried. I struggle to be a good parent to both of my kids, but I especially feel that I could easily fail. Asperger's sucks because we don't live in my happy place. Because I am not perfect and perfectly consistent and perfectly sane all of the time. I know what you're saying---"you're doin' fine, don't expect perfection, it'll be okay." Whatever. Hopefully, someone is thinking, I understand her feelings. I need that probably most of all.
"An Autistic World"
I often ponder what happens when these special kids have mothers without humour. My warped sense of absurdity has been my most effective weapon in this battle against anxiety and despair. I thank God and my parents for encouraging my twisted quick wit. Another battle won. His angelic smile beams back at me, shadows forgotten. For the moment. Life in an Autistic world.