Not that I am having a bad day at all, because I am not. It has been an awesome day, Maddie got to visit her great grandma..Owen had a great programming day at IBI.. and Ben and I got to meet my best friend Jen's baby Braiden.. who is like a new cousin to my kiddies.. its been great.
I think it started last night this feeling.. after the ASD seminar.. like I wrote before, it was on Community Resources.. but we also talked about financial strains and long term planning when you have a child with ASD. This scared me.. it touched apart of me that I thought I have done a pretty good job burying lately.. I don't want to think about the future with Owen, because I don't want to think about Owen not having a future. I don't want to think about Owen having his life to be planned out right now, when I am just focusing on potty training.
I have a hard time thinking my amazing little boy is not going to have the life that I envision for him, I just can't think about it. Maybe I am living in denial, maybe I am running away from a fact of life we might have to deal with, but I want to be immature and act like a child.. I want to run far away from that thought.
I think this feeling comes up with my own children, or my friends children reach amazing milestones in their precious lives.. I get selfish.. I want all of that and more for Owen.. but then I begin to think negative.. and I don't mean to, I just do.. and its out of love for him. I feel like Ryan and I are Owen's biggest protectors.. and how am I suppost to defend him for the rest of his life? I can't be there when he goes to school.. I don't ever want his little feelings to ever be hurt.. why can't everyone just see how amazing he is to us and only see him that like?
I feel like since Febuary 11, 2010 when we found out that Owen has ASD, that my role as a mother has changed.. I think/feel/dream/cry Autism.. and I know its not fair to Ben and Maddie.. or to Owen.. I just want our whole family to grow with Autism.. not resent with Autism..
All these thoughts circle my mind.. and no one understands these horrible feelings of grieving a son, whos life and well-being is out of your control to a degree.. and morning the life you thought he was going to have.. and now might not. To see Owen everyday and to be reminded that he will struggle everyday socially/physically/and emotionally.. and when we try our best to be there for him.. are we really being there in the way he actually needs us?!
His life wont be perfect.. it will be unique.. and I remind myself of this when I get these thoughts of hopelessness.. I remember the strides he is making already.. and it puts these thoughts at rest.. for a while.