I have to admit..I watch Owen like a hawk. I watch his behaviours, his communication...everything. I am watching for improvements, a new milestone, regression...I monitor him even when I am not wanting to. Today, our friends came over with their son who is the same age as Owen, but 6 months older. Watching Owen play with his friend, engaging him in activities, laughing, and having fun.. I wanted to be them. I wanted to play with my son in such a way I was not looking for something to be better than last time, or to make sure he is making eye contact.. I just wanted to forget. I don't mean to always have it in the back of my mind, I just wish sometimes it wasn't there..
As I was doing my daily Autism research and reading, I came across this poem which I thought was very suitable for what I was feeling today.. enjoy.
Just For Today
Just for today, little one,
I'm going to forget that you're autistic
And remember that you're a child.
For this brief shining time,
I will only see the beauty of you and your world.
I will marvel at the spun gold of your hair in the sunlight.
How can anything be so impossibly brilliant?
I will see the blue-green of your infinite eyes
And not worry if they focus on me.
I will admire your concentration
And not mind that it isn't directed in the usual way.
Your smile and laugh will bring me joy.
It won't matter what caused them,
they are marvels unto themselves.
Through your eyes I will delve into the unseen,
Looking at the world with that perspective unique to you.
I will see your lines of leaves and stones
And share your happiness at their precision.
I will close my own eyes
And let the textures you explore overwhelm my senses.
Spinning in circles with you,
I will let go until all is lost but the dizzy.
Just for today,
I will close my books and ignore the research,
the worry, the 'shoulds' and the shadowy future.
You are my baby, my son, my love.
Today, we play.